Breaking my Silence, part 4
The time since this happened has been an intense learning journey. While it may seem tempting to focus on what he did, or said, or why he behaved the way he did, that is not what I have chosen to do.
Instead, I’ve gone within to ask myself what it is about me that went along with that. What is it in me that was willing to accept any of this at any point?
This is where sisterhood and therapy are vital.
My sisterhood came through in major ways. One of the most significant ways was one sis in particular who reminded me “he was gaslighting you” and “you didn’t deserve this”. Those statements kept me from spiraling into self-loathing.
Another fiercely held my feet to the fire and helped me to see the wounded parts in myself that needed to be healed. Others held space while I processed, and many of them said prayers, sent healing energy and generally kept me grounded.
At the end of the day, I am grateful this happened because it forced my transformation.
Here’s the takeaway:
- Trust character over chemistry. Yeah, chemistry is good and all but it can’t be the only thing that guides you. I’ve learned to watch someone’s character and trust what I see over time rather than to believe chemistry.
- Listen to actions.
3. We all fuck up. Forgive yourself, adjust your crown, adjust your perceptions and mindset so you don’t continue to fuck up.
4. Make amends when possible, when doing so won’t cause further harm.
5. Forgive the other person because holding onto this shit is toxic. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to be friends; it means you let powers greater than you handle it. If there is to be restoration, there has to be changed behavior.
6.”Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is NOT your job to fix him, change him, parent him or raise him.You want a partner, not a project” (source unknown). In other words, sis, hang up that cape.
7. It’s not a loss, it’s a lesson. Take it.
8. Allow yourself space to heal but never let a bad experience make you bitter.
9. When you learn to look for good men, you will find them.
10. Keep the faith; what you want wants you.