Stop policing women’s sexuality

It happens all the time to women — people who take it upon themselves to critique our sexuality, usually based on some outdated beliefs rooted in religion and patriarchy.

This morning, I saw a video where someone commented not on the content of the video, but telling the presenter that she ought to “put more clothes on”. It happened to me in graduate school, when we were told we ought not to wear skirts or high heels so we didn’t come across as too sexual to the men around us.

We are raised to believe that “good girls don’t” — don’t have sex, don’t give head, don’t enjoy sex when they do have it and their sole responsibility for sex is to please their husbands. We are told that “bad girls” — the ones who do have sex, give head and enjoy sexuality are dirty and damaged and unworthy. Good girls get the husband and bad girls get left behind.

Many of us have bought into those lies. We internalized those beliefs and instead of sex being a beautiful expression, it has become something secretive and dirty. Most people don’t talk openly about it and we sure as hell aren’t taught as young people that sex ought to be pleasurable and fun. Girls grow into women who have no idea that their body is made for pleasure; they have no idea that the clitoris is literally the only organ on the human body whose sole purpose is pleasure.

Many men buy into the Madonna-Whore complex with women — they want their wives to be pure but they want their lovers to be dirty. Many have a hard time understanding that women are multifaceted and that we can be both. We are capable of being the “lady in the streets and freak in the sheets”. We are capable of nurturing our children and knocking the boots.

Stop policing women’s sexuality and sexual behavior.

Unless you’re partnered with someone, it’s none of your damn business what they do with their body and who they do it with. It’s not up to anyone but the woman to determine what she wears, how she lives, the choices she makes and the ways in which she expresses her sexuality.

Stop telling us what to wear. Stop telling us how to behave. Stop trying to limit our sexual expression to boxes that keep you comfortable. Instead, expand your box to allow the full expression of the empowered sexual woman. Stop judging us by the length of our skirts, or whether we want to have sex on the first date or wait until marriage. Stop making moral judgments because our clothes are too tight, or shows too much skin. Stop buying into the lie that a woman’s sexuality makes her either good or bad.

It is long past time to normalize female sexuality & to break the shackles of shame, secrets and humiliation.

Ph.D. in Psychology. Love and Liberation. www.lisavallejos.com

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