Why I’m no longer using the Twin Flame label

Dr. Lisa Xochitl Vallejos
5 min readJun 11, 2019

I am leaving the twin flame label behind. I know that may be shocking to many of you because I have been working with “twin flames” and sharing twin flame information for the last couple of years. But…It doesn’t resonate with me any longer and I am finding that much of what is called “twin flame” teaching right now is dogma that is keeping people stuck in self-defeating patterns.

When I originally came across the twin flame label, I thought it sounded weird and when I started reading some of the stuff that was out there, I definitely didn’t resonate with it at all. I left it alone for quite some time until I came across some writings by a spiritual teacher whom I respect, Jeff Brown. What he was describing sounded more like what I knew to be true of relationships of a spiritual nature and like the recovering academic that I am, I spent months studying transpersonal (spiritual) relationships.

One of the original twin flame teachers, Elizabeth Clare Prophet, said “when people learn that they share a unique mission with their twin flame, they begin to search physically for that one special soul instead of seeking their wholeness within”. That’s the first mistake people make on this journey and one that is perpetuated by well-meaning but misinformed teachers. I believe that the search for wholeness within IS the foundation of sacred soul connections; yet, what is being “taught” in the twin flame world is often the exact opposite of this.

Dr. Jeanne Achterberg said, “Some relationships appear to have an exceptionally strong ability to mold us, shape us, and bring us to our truths and to our own divinity and often to our knees”. These Uncommon Bonds, as she called them, are spiritual alchemical processes where our souls are polished.

However, what is being taught in the spiritual community about twin flames is less about the spiritual nature of these relationships that hold within them the power to transform and is more about misguided beliefs about these relationships. The label twin flame has become so twisted that the soul of twin flame relationships is no longer clearly seen.

Chosen because…Damon (and also, talk about toxic relationship dynamics, holy cow)

True spirituality is about moving toward liberation and any sort of dogma can keep one from finding the liberation that we are meant to find. Dogma is any type of belief that is accepted by a group without questioning or doubting and it’s sad to say that the twin flame community is filled with dogma.

What are some of those beliefs?

· That twin flames are primarily a romantic connection

· That all twin flames are meant to come together

· That all twin flames will be sexual

· That the “karmic partner” is the enemy

· That if you wait & heal enough, your twin will come back

· That being a twin excuses dysfunctional and unhealthy love patterns

· That extramarital relationships or affairs are justifiable because they are your twin

· That your twin and/or the connection should be on a pedestal

What all of these beliefs lead to is furthering unhealthy and toxic relationship patterns. People who buy into these beliefs will engage in such behaviors as:

· Chasing the perceived twin

· Stalking on social media

· Hating on the “karmic”

· Hating on the twin or experiencing extreme mood swings (I love him, he’s a piece of shit)

· Obsession

· Fear of losing the twin so gripping too tightly

I see these dynamics playing out so often in my work that it has become truly heartbreaking. I see women delaying moving on and finding a new partner despite desperately wanting children until it's too late. I see people who stay in abusive dynamics because they believe the person is their twin. I see people who chase and chase after someone who has clearly stated they don’t want them, some even to the point where they are criminally charged with stalking and harassment. I see people who hold such bitterness and resentment to the “karmic” that they block their own blessings.

All of these beliefs and behaviors serve to do the exact opposite of what a twin flame journey is supposed to do; lead us to inner union and soul liberation.

Instead, these beliefs keep people stuck in thinking their happiness comes from the outside, fanning the flames of unrealistic love expectations, focusing on the wrong things and staying trapped in a cycle that will lead nowhere except heartache, disillusionment and maybe even bitterness.

The questions I would like to pose: when examining these beliefs, do you feel liberated or bound? Do you feel peace, or confusion? Do you feel whole, or fragmented? Do you feel fulfilled, or empty? Only you can know the truth to this so it’s important to be radically honest with yourself.

Except it’s not…”Enlightenment is a destructive process. It
has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the
crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing
through the facade of pretence. It’s the
complete eradication of everything we
imagined to be true.” ~Adyashanti

People often gravitate toward twin flame teachers or twin flame tarot readers will reinforce these beliefs rather than those of us who expose the truth behind the connection, which I truly do understand. It is easier and more appealing to think that bliss and union are only a meditation away than it is to think we need to dig deep and do our own healing. Our instant gratification world encourages people to hit a button and get what you want but that’s not how spiritual development works. Spiritual development — much like developing any other muscle or skill — takes time and dedication. The twin flame journey is about self-mastery and spiritual growth, but until people can come back to the truth of that, the label isn’t serving those who desire to truly transcend.

And so I, like many others, will be no longer identifying with this label going forward. I may still use it as that is how people new to this journey will find the community, and my work, but please know, at the core, I am committed to helping people heal and grow, not necessarily to culminate in union with another, but to find union with yourself. My goal is to teach you to be the hero/heroine of your own life, and to let go of the Knight in Shining Armor fantasy. My goal is to lead you back home to yourself, and to release all that no longer serves…even the twin flame label.

P.S. If this post triggered you, you’re welcome. That’s how we identify where we need healing. ❤